Faith (mass noun): “Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.”
https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/faith
While on my little relaxing getaway in Scarborough I had plenty of time for soul searching, ruminating, looking for the bigger picture and hidden answers. I pull myself to a halt every time as I am sick and tired of it. I have spent the majority of my life believing in some sort of higher guidance and explored many different believe systems and felt important enough to believe I was on some special journey to God knows where (no pun intended) and that I could make a difference to humanity.
In fact, my only reason to carry on living after each low episode has been to help others, as I felt so helpless myself. There has never been a good reason to live other than to be there for others that are struggling. Now I have reached exhaustion point and fear that I spent all my live simply going from one fanatic psychosis to another.
They call it “Messiah Complex” when you believe you have a special task to save the world. How can anyone possibly tell the difference between reality and make-believe when it comes to your core believes? This really puts me in a very tricky situation out of which I don’t know any way out. So I simply abandon all faith and believe about everything and sit it out, hoping for someone to set the record straight and pull me out of this black hole.
I worry that I will be seen as a complete lunatic if I tell anyone about my need to save the world and at the same time I get really angry at anybody that re-affirms my believe and offers spiritual guidance and well meant holistic advice or support.
I probably have simply once again overwhelmed myself with too much information on my search for the truth. My human brain can’t keep up with it. Like I said before, this is either the biggest crisis in faith or simply a nervous breakdown. Both are essentially the same, just that with faith it is said to test you, to see where you are, before it lets you progress to the next level, which brings me back to the beginning, that I still believe there is something to be gained here…
It’s just that there is no right or wrong answer here. You either believe or you don’t . At the moment I rather don’t because to believe raises too many questions and I am too exhausted to keep searching. There is a point to be maid that to believe is just as simple as not to believe. No questions asked or answers needed. But that just doesn’t feel right for me.
This feeling of right and wrong, that has been there for all my life, been guiding me, made decisions for me, what is that based on? Is it really a gift, a connection to the higher realms or simply an instinct, a primal urge to follow the safest route? How will I know that this isn’t higher guidance but possibly some form of autism or personality disorder? Not even “just” my perfectionism that I feel the strong urge for things to be a certain way and to feel uncomfortable if they are not and even get angry if there is nothing I can do about it?
If there are no coincidences and no higher guidance, then why is the code to my hotel room 357? 35 my age as of this week, starting a new year 7 cycle. I managed to ignore it and not let it carry me out onto a mind-blowing journey of self-discovery of which I’ve had had way too many. But I can’t deny that I see it as a sign.
I find it difficult at this point to listen to all those theories and possibilities as it overwhelms me and makes me feel confused. It’s just too much to take in. What I find helpful at the moment are clear guidelines and measured outcomes, which the clinical route offers. What I find hardest is to ask for help and accept that the support might not be what I would want it to be. I have to make peace with that fear inside of me to be misjudged and misunderstood and not get better straight away. I need to learn to have patience and accept whatever comes my way, to trust that it will be for the best.
I feel like I need to reset myself, back to basics. I need clarity, structure and as time goes on I might be able to adorn these bleak walls with some colourful quotes and pictures of other helpful support mechanisms. But first comes the base stone, then the colourful wimple on the roof.
So here I am, trying to escape my higher purpose and surrender myself to my darkest thoughts. Maybe that’s simply what I have to do. Just surrender and see what happens. I’m scared, of course I’m scared. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe there isn’t even anything wrong with me after all. But honestly, I don’t know what is worse: having a confirmed mental health condition or nothing at all to explain why I feel the way I do.
So take it slowly, one step at a time. Don’t overload yourself. Look after yourself. I know at the moment it feels like there are a thousand monsters inside of you who are all screaming for attention but you can only take one at a time, look at it, understand it, accept it and let it go. You will find the right support. Just be patient. Relax. Enjoy the journey of life. Once on the other side you can look back and understand it all. At the moment you are just stuck a little in the middle of the woods. Just keep following the path and you will soon be able to see the light. Don’t’ be frightened by all the strange sounds and shadows the forest harbours. They are natural. You have to accept them and see them as part of the forest. Just like you have to accept your monsters to be part of yourself. That is not pleasant at times but it is just the way it is at the moment. Now rest, sleep, recover and continue with new strength and extra support along your fantastic journey that is your life.
Day 671 written in retrospect for 19/02/2018.
The Cycle Of My Life 