“The stages of grief and morning are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life, across many cultures. Mourning occurs in response to an individual’s own terminal illness, the loss of a close relationship, or to the death of a valued being, human or animal”.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/
After nearly 4 months on antidepressants (110 days to be precise), I’m facing a probable raise in dosage and feel I am slowly resigning to the fact that my life just will not suddenly be “as it used to be”, not that the time before the antidepressants was a particular good time (or else I wouldn’t have started taking them in the first place). I think I was too naive to believe that a few tablets will bring me back in sync with the gravitational field of planet earth. But sadly evidence suggests that medication rarely works for anxiety and that dosage will need to be increased eventually to keep on top of the symptoms. Of course therapy is said to help the process, of which I’m having my fair share. So fingers crossed…
Either way, I’ve been signed off work again for the past two weeks and I’m dreading having to go back again. I just can’t do that sort of work at the moment. And amidst the next flurry of anxiety surrounding my head like space debris circling planet Jupiter, I figured that it is okay to go back to my GP and say I’m not ready to return to work yet. This has been my big issue actually, not just work itself, but my persistent drive of having to get better soon because I have to get back to work or else my whole life will be lost!
My whole universe shattered to pieces when I contemplated the possibility of not being able to work at all anymore, be it my current job or any other job for that matter. And instead of resting and recovering I’ve been internally slave-driving me into some virtual mindset of get up and go, pull yourself together you silly woman!
Not a very nice thing to say to yourself really, is it? Would you force yourself to walk on a broken leg just to look “normal” again? It’s just that I feel like a massive liar for being seen out and about in the sunshine while being signed off work. But as my therapist put it nicely: “Different conditions need different treatments. And yours needs lots of sunshine, fresh air and socialising.”
So it finally dawned on me that I might be about to accept that I’m currently not able to work and that I need to stop punishing myself for it and try to enjoy time in the outdoors and with friends, to focus on the simple act of living and being alive.
Feeling a little calmer after all the anger and resentment about my situation I realised that this is no different to the stages of grief, albeit I have not lost a person dear to me, but I lost a vital part of myself and will probably loose my job and with it a big chapter in my personal history.
Sounds too dramatic? Well, think about it. The 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance and I’m certain you can apply these to any sort of loss in your life. When I began to struggle at work and in life with the excess stress I was under I denied the fact that I couldn’t cope for a long time, having always been the strong one, and I got angry when I couldn’t cope and blamed others or the high workload for it, in the end even myself for doing too much! Then I bargained in hope to make the situation any better, reducing my hours, dropping responsibilities, applying for new jobs. But in the end, when depression descended, and I was not able to do anything at all anymore, I near enough gave up. A part of me died then. And I am now beginning to accept that. And I am somewhat glad I can see it that way, because I realised that fighting the inevitable is a lost fight.
Your energy is much better spent in healing and nurturing yourself like a new borne baby about to take the first step into the big unknown, than keeping an old, malfunctioning part of yourself afloat that doesn’t serve you anymore.
The Cycle Of My Life 