Relapse (noun): becoming ill again after making an improvement.
Origin: late Middle English: from Latin relaps- ‘slipped back’.
https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/relapse_1?q=relapse
1360 days later. Suffice to say that the time laps since my last blog post is longer than the time I had been writing on this block beforehand. But who is counting the days? A lot can happen in three years, just as much as not much at all. It feels like I’m still stuck between a rock and a hard place, neither here not there, just desperately trying to hold myself together while the world around me and my innerts continue to fall to pieces. A hideous dance between time and space.
Oh yes, and there was a global pandemic.
A couple of months ago I decided it was time to reduce my antidepressants and see how I fared. Of course this was following discussion with the psychiatrist (just going cold turkey is rarely a good idea). I just didn’t feel the medication was doing much. I was just constantly subdued, tired, no energy or motivation, literally no will to live. But to simply go over to the fourth medication to give something else “a go” felt just as pointless. “You will only know if the medication is working when you are no longer taking it”, he had said.
Within a week on half the dose my mood and energy levels had significantly improved. That really surprised me, until a month of happy ever after I started to have strong physical anxiety symptoms. Heart pounding, breathlessness, sweaty hands, giddiness, nausea, stomach churns, electric buzzing sensation… the full monty basically. What was new, however, was the vertigo which added an extra touch to the otherwise exhausting sensation of being trapped on a rollercoaster that just wouldn’t stop.
There were a few significant changes happening at work at the time, including new line management and staff, which might have evoked the anxiety symptoms and it might well have been that they only surfaced so sensationally because the medication dose wasn’t enough to keep them in check. It could also have been withdrawal symptoms, but to be honest, it felt a little late for that, I thought that they would have come on within a few days of reducing dosage, not after a few weeks. So I’m settling on relapse.
After a couple of weeks of this I spoke to my GP and upped the dosage again, only half though, just to see if it would help. Having had the wonderful experience of being back in charge of my body and brain, the last thing I wanted to do was dull all my senses again. Never mind the free rollercoaster ride.
I currently have a few days off work during which I can reflect, re-evaluate and decompress. One positive side effect of years of this struggle is that I have a good few proven coping strategies in place that help me calm my anxiety. It can be hard to sit down and focus to begin with and often it is physical activity that helps best with the anxiety’s fight or flight sensation. For me, simple breathing exercises just don’t work, in fact they make it worse, a bit like I’m suffocating or drowning. But combined with a brisk walk or some progressive muscle relaxation it has a much more calming influence. Yesterday I went swimming and this morning I had a really good long yoga session. Even a few hours gardening work can make all the difference.
I wish that my strategies alone would be enough and I hate that I’m reliant on medication, especially when they not only calm my anxiety but also shut down my brain. But, as long as they keep the balance, that is the ideal state to be, and one that I am working up to. Upwards and onwards I say.
Written retrospectively for 21/11/2022.
The Cycle Of My Life 